i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
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Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
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when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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