i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
