i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday