Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
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you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
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Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage