I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
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Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
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Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?