Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
