now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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