Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
