I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
