dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
