I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
