Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Randomize
