I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
