Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
