Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
