WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
