she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
