We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
