The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
