I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
