What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
