We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
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my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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