I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
