Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
