i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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