Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
