I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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