hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
