My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
