You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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