i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
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His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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