The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
