we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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