i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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