im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
