can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
