I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
