a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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