I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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