Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I checked into jail on foursquare
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
