thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
