you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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