He disabled his match.com account in front of me
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize
