We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
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