I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
