There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
We are two peas in an std pod
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
