I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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