i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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