well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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