I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
