Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Randomize
