I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
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