I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
