Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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