Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
we made out on top of his cat.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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