Im at strip club and am horny
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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