He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
It's just like the Real World with babies
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
