i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
