My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
