i can juggle bunnies
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
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When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
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That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.